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I once broke up with a girlfriend because I had a bad squat workout.

Seriously, I did. I was around twenty at the time, dating this saucy little redhead. We were having a lot of fun for a few months, baking brownies and playing Uno, all the cool stuff you do when you’re going out with somebody at that age. Then one day I went to the gym and my front squats folded me like a card table. I was convinced that my girlfriend was making me soft, that my legs were getting weak from too much Uno, so I went home and dumped her because I thought she was distracting me from my weightlifting goals. I didn’t tell her that was the reason, though. I think I gave her some bullcrap like, “It’s not you. It’s me.” I realized it was a dumb move a couple of years later, because she was a peach. But at the time, I thought she was screwing up my training, so I had to dropkick her into the Rejection Resort…one-way ticket.

Being in a relationship with a weightlifter isn’t always easy. Actually, it’s probably tough being with anybody who has a driven, obsessive personality, whether that person is a lifter, coach, gym owner, cop, musician, or whatever. I can only speak for lifters because that’s what I am, but I’m sure it’s the same for everyone who lives with some kind of high-intensity commitment to the goals they’re pursuing.

Weightlifters can be pretty selfish. It’s almost a job requirement if you really want to make it to the top. You basically have to see your workouts as being the most important parts of your life, and everything that has the potential to botch them up has to be eliminated. Athletes who live this way are a little irritating to the average citizen because they act like they don’t give a frick about anything but their training and competitions. This isn’t exactly the foundation for happy joy.

Civilians often have a hard time with us because many of them just don’t understand why we live the way we do. Dedicating our lives to pounding our bodies for no money doesn’t make any sense to them. I once dated a gal who asked me, “So you spend all this time working out and you don’t get paid for it? What’s the point?” Ouch, I could hear the axe falling in the background. I can totally understand where she was coming from, because I would probably feel the same way if I was a regular person. And if you’ve ever tried to explain your weightlifting commitment to a civilian, you know how painful it us.

You have to have a giving personality if you want to have a successful relationship with somebody. The things that are important to them and make them happy…those things have to be a priority to you. And you can’t just smooth everything out with tender comments like, “Look, you know I love you, right? So what the hell is your problem?” You have to actually DO nice things for them, and that requires effort. Putting effort into anything besides school and training isn’t usually something a weightlifter is interested in. If you’re not a giving person, then you need to be with somebody who’s willing to put up with a lot of crap. These are the ones who will stick with you, even when you’re acting like a self-centered schmuck who comes home pissed off after bad workouts.

Plus, another thing that makes this difficult is that you’re usually low on money during your big lifting years. Being broke (or almost broke) is part of being a high-level lifter, and it makes dating tough. Even if you want to do nice things for your girlfriend or boyfriend, you can’t because you don’t have any money. I remember the days of standing in front of the ATM and seeing the words “Insufficient funds for withdrawal” staring at me. The days when your P.O.S. car breaks down and you find out it’s going to take $300 to fix it so you can keep getting to the gym, then you start wondering how you’re going to eat next month. And you’re going through all of this because you’re completely dedicated to something that makes your back hurt. Yeah, we’re not normal people. This is probably why a lot of lifters date other lifters. Nobody else understands us or wants to deal with our lifestyle, so we just stay with our own kind.

What happens as you get older (at least in my personal experience), is you start to find balance in your life. Gradually, you develop an ability to keep training and be a better partner at the same time. Having balance in your life might seem like it’s going to make your lifts go down a little, because you don’t think you’ll be as sharp if you focus on anything besides yourself. But it can be done, and it won’t necessarily cause your total to drop into the toilet. Besides, you need to grow up and change a little as you get older, otherwise you’ll be in the same position at forty-five that you were when you were twenty. At least that’s what I’ve found. I’m in great shape in the relationship department now, but I had to pay some hard dues to get here. It might be the same for you, so hang in there.