It was suggested to me by our talented editor Yael that I write an article about “dumb” weightlifting questions. I turned to the internet’s leading repositories of dumb questions—Facebook and Twitter—for some ideas. The following are some of the better ones you provided me. She told me my answers were obnoxious and unhelpful so I'll be doing a real version in the Performance Menu next month, but I figured these shouldn't go to waste. Please note that none of these answers will be helpful.  

Will knee wraps make me stronger?
No. They will make you lift more weight.  

What's a WOD?
It’s an obnoxious designation of a workout performed in isolation rather than as a part of a long-term program with purpose and effect.  

How many miles should I run a week?
About one more than how many you’re being chased.  

Do you think if I had better technique I could lift more?
If you’re asking this question, your technique is horrid and your lifts are not heavy enough. So yes.  

Will knee socks make me lift more?
No.  

How come people grunt and yell?
Asks the gentleman who’s never physically exerted himself.  

Should I breathe in on the way down and breathe out on the way up?
In an elevator or what?  

Why do weighlifting coaches hate the low bar back squat though powerlifting gurus (Louie Simmons) swear by it?
That’s like asking why baseball players don’t use footballs.  

Why are bumper plates colored like skittles?
Addition is hard enough as it is without having to inspect every plate on the bar to find out what its weight is first.  

Weightlifting and children
That’s not a question. It’s not even a statement. It’s just three English words written consecutively.  

Unilateral exercises or drills to increase speed & balance on your weak side
Also not a question. Just a longer string of words.  

My shoes smell horrible
Not a question and also gross.  

I follow Hook Grip and they posted a pic from the recent Olympics. The pic was of a guy snatching and at the end of the first pull. In the pic he was on his toes, heels were off the ground. Why is this bad? He placed 3rd overall.
It’s not bad and never has been.  

Where are the machines?
In the singlets.  

Do I have to squat?
No. You also don’t have to not be a pussy.  

I know we power clean with a med ball but why don't we power snatch hang squat with a med ball?
We do none of those things and a second mention of them will get you escorted out the front door.  

What's your best 'Fran' time?
Every time I decided not to do Fran.

How do you flip your hands open in the clean from a Hook grip!? I can do it from a regular grip, but when I hook, it is harder for me to manage the flip of the wrists into position. You did say dumb, right?
Stop gripping the bar and push your elbows up.  

Does weightlifting make girls look manly?
There are two kinds of men in the world: Those who find women weightlifters attractive, and those who don’t find women attractive.  

Why are so many weightlifters fat?
Because you don’t know what a weightlifter is and are looking at the wrong people.  

I'd love the definitive discussion on high bar vs low bar. Not really why you would do each one, but more HOW you do each one. Like do you send the hips back first on both or do you just drop down on HBBS? I've heard conflicting advice.
People still use the low-bar back squat?  

How important is ab strength?
Not at all as long as you don’t want to do anything athletic.  

When is a 'weight class' worth considering?
When you compete in a sport that has weight classes.  

What's the single best accessory lift for each of the clean, jerk, and snatch?
The squat.  

I hate the hook grip... Why should I use it?
Get stronger and quicker and you’ll find out.  

Does the bar actually have to touch my body? It hurts my waistline.
No, the bar can be wherever you want it to be, including not overhead.  

Wouldn't it just be easier to power clean it? Why do I have to squat all the way down?
Yes it would. It would also be easier to lift less weight. Even easier to not lift weights at all. It’s weightlifting; it’s supposed to be hard.  

Isn't weightlifting just all technique? Some of those guys don't even look strong.
Yes. If your technique is advanced enough, it will actually circumvent the laws of physics. There is no spoon.  

How can i stop the bar from hitting my knees when i pull?
Stand up.  

Why do I always hit myself in the junk when I do cleans?
Stay over the bar longer. And wear underwear.  

I can power clean way more than I can front squat. What's my problem?
You don’t squat enough.  

Do weightlifting competitions play better music than crossfit competitions?
I don’t know, I’m busy lifting weights, not dancing.  

Biceps curls: no good?
CrossFit propaganda.  

I keep getting bruises on my you know what and hips! What am I doing wrong?
Not keeping the bar close enough to your body before you hump it with your you know what.  

Why do weightlifting girls always have to pee?
I don’t think they do. I think they go hide the bathroom so they can check their iPhones more.  

How do you determine whether an athlete should stick with their bodyweight/weight class, increase to a heavier weightclass or decrease to a lighter weightclass?
Check his bodyweight.  

How do I politely pause a conversation with a cute girl to get my next set in without sounding like a d-bag?
Only a d-bag wouldn’t pause the conversation to train.