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This is going to be the last thing I write for Catalyst Athletics. It’s actually going to be the end of my whole journey in the iron sports. I didn’t think I was ever going to say this, but it’s time to finally get it over with.

I’m giving up weightlifting, and everything involved with it. Training, competing, coaching, all the work and the sweat and the pain…screw it. I’m sick and tired of it. After all these years, I just can’t see the point in lying to myself anymore. None of this stuff matters. Nobody cares. The whole barbell world is a big jerkoff, so I’m done. You should all quit too. Stop acting like this is important. Grow up, give up, and let it all go.

I refuse to continue being uncomfortable. Training is hard. It makes me sweaty, sore, and achy. I go home at the end of the day and I look at my cats. They’re all curled up in little balls on my bed, snuggled in there nice and warm, just snoozing the day away. The only things they’ve had to worry about all day are eating, sleeping, taking massive dumps in the litter box, and licking their own buttholes. They’re living the life I want. You think they spend one minute of their day obsessing about their snatch technique? No way. I don’t see any ice bags on their knees. They don’t lose any sleep while they’re trying to get athletes ready for a big competition. None of that crap. Food…sleep…dropping timber…butt licking, how the hell did it take me twenty five years to figure this out?

I’m done writing too. These are the last words I’ll put out into the world. Just like training, it’s too much hassle. I know some of you like to read my stuff and this might disappoint you. If that’s the case, here’s what you need to do. Print this blog post, take the paper copy, roll it up into a tight little ball, and ram it into your anus. That should close the door on our time together.

And don’t think I’m quitting just because I’ve decided I have no interest in working hard anymore. That’s not the only reason. I want to spend more time with the things that really matter to me. No, I’m not talking about my family. I don’t give a rat’s ass about them. I’m talking about the midgets. I’ve been neglecting my little friends for way too long. I’ve been pissing away my time lifting weights and writing for years, when I could have been with my midget brothers and sisters…watching them do gymnastics, riding around on dogs, all the special moments I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. No more, people. I’m gonna stop wasting my time with this ridiculous weightlifting garbage and I’m buying a one-way ticket to midget paradise.

My athletes don’t know about this decision yet. Many of them will probably be upset that I’m not going to work with them anymore. So if any of you (my athletes) are reading this, let me say something that should make this news a little easier; I’ve only been pretending to care about you. It’s actually torture for me to be your coach. I only seem happy and enthusiastic because I drop acid before I show up at the gym. That’s the only way I can numb the pain of spending time with you.

It feels good to quit. I wish I would have done it a long time ago. In fact, the joy I’m getting from this is going to be the beginning of a new phase in my life. I’m not just quitting weightlifting. I’m going to give up on everything that requires effort. My job, my marriage, cleaning myself, all of it. I want to exist in a state of complete laziness. Everything that sounds like it might require me to exert myself is going straight in the toilet.

I hope these final words inspire some of you. We need armies of quitters out there. Please, follow my example. Embrace your inner scumbag. Look deep into the eyes of all those people who depend on you and walk away from them. If you start to feel guilty about abandoning them, just focus harder on how good it’s going to feel to stop applying yourself. Make this the first day of your journey into a new world…a world without accomplishments, goals, or dreams.

Or don’t…what do I care?

It’s a special day for all of us. You should mark it down on your calendars. April 1st, 2013.

Adios, and go screw yourself.

And by the way, everybody who does CrossFit is a retard.